PASTOR WANTED: “Treatusall Like Bay Bees Church” is looking for a Pastor. We would like someone who has a doctorate degree but doesn’t act like it. The candidate should be in his 30s but have 50 years experience. It is our desire that he be white but preach like a black man. We have 100 attendees and expect that the pastor visit all 100 attendees weekly plus relatives, ex-relatives, etc. We want him to earn his keep. Our desire would be that our new pastor knock on every door within a five-mile radius within his first month. While we expect him to work around the clock, we expect him to have a perfect family who would never resent him for doing all that we want him to do. Because we do not see witnessing as our responsibility, the pastor should witness to our entire community and state as often as possible. He should attend every meeting possible (rest assured that the deacon chairman will keep him aware of all meetings). We would like for the pastor to preach, be at our beck and call, but not bring any change to our church or our personal lives. If he does not meet our desires, the Bellyache family will be sure to start a petition (as provision is made in our bylaws), have the pastor ousted instantaneously, and his belongings removed from the parsonage before he can blink an eye. If interested, please send your resume to Deacon Sourpuss, 666 Thorninyourside Drive, Hades, (state of choice) 66666.