From One Divorced Person to Another

Because I am divorced and remarried, I think people automatically assume that I am a big divorce supporter and give out high-fives to those who get a divorce. If you think that, you truly don’t know me.

Separation and divorce hit my home in late 2013. I was pastoring my first church, but the devil was doing work behind the scenes to destroy me and many others. I want to take this time to point out what divorce really does to people.

  1. Divorce affects a person’s self-image. Someone going through a divorce wonders why he or she isn’t good enough. Why did he choose someone else over me? Why did she cherish her addiction more than me? Was I not good enough for the other person to fight to keep me? These and many others questions go through the mind of someone going through a divorce. We may use defensive mechanisms to make everyone think we cope well, but inside we don’t have it together.
  2. Divorce creates more losses than gains. We lose our self-image. We lose trust in others, especially those of the opposite sex. We often lose more financially than we gain. In my case, I lost a career. Some lose trust in the church because conservative Christians feel like they might be labeled for supporting divorce if they support you. Many lose their children. With loss comes grief. A pastor once told me that a divorce was a lot like a funeral. Most of us have to face that person continually and be reminded of the pain associated with the marriage, separation, and divorce. 

Things do get better, but you’re never fixed. A pastor who experienced divorce and remarriage told me, “Matthew, you’re going to be a bird with a broken wing. You won’t fly with the big boys, but you will fly again.” I understand this a little more now than I did when he said that. 

Dear divorcee, you will always have the scars. The devil wants to use those to keep you bound. God wants to empower you to help other broken people. I can’t speak for you, but divorce broke me into a million pieces. Some people are critical that I am so outspoken about divorce, but I want to help others how God has helped me and receive that same support. I have to let pride go down the drain in order that I might move forward. 

A strong word of advice: don’t think another relationship can fix you. So many people think that jumping into another relationship will help fill the void and repair the damage done by the marriage. It makes things worse! 

Divorced people (like anyone else) have to come to a point where Jesus is enough. Is there a time frame on that? No! I wish I could lay out a schedule of what happens when. I can’t. Every circumstance is different. You will go through your own cycles of forgiveness and unforgiveness (which comes in waves), but eventually you will come to a point where you don’t hold your broken marriage against God. He wants to hold you close. He wants to wipe away your tears. My greatest advice is for you to be real with God. Let out all your anger, bitterness, and hurt. God knows it anyway. Don’t fake it with Him! When you can be real, you’ll begin to see a breakthrough. 


10 thoughts on “From One Divorced Person to Another

  1. Was your divorce Biblical? I’m not judging you, I think that what you are talking about will help a lot of people avoid it. You don’t have to answer my question if it’s to personal.

  2. I’ve been following your blog for some time now. Your story being unfolded here, brokenness and the Lord’s faithfulness in your gradual healing is a wonderful testament to His loving kindness and tender mercies. Your practical biblical insights and pithy advice further show how He has enlarged your tent to reach manifold of the hurting you would not have otherwise come in contact with. His hand is on you in a mighty way young man(young in comparison to my years.) Many years ago(40) I came to the Lord through the crushing experience of an unexpected divorce. His handiwork in reshaping my life through Him makes me admit I would go through all the pain again knowing where it would lead my life in Him at this point of really KNOWING Him intimately in a way I never would have otherwise. I’m actually excited for you in the difficult adventure in Christ that lies ahead of you. Thank you for being so open and genuine in discussing it (your struggles) here. You are a rare breed in the Lord on the earth and very needed and appreciated. Keep up the exceptional work you are doing for the Savior and His people.

    • I am humbled by your kind remarks. Someone told me when all of this began: “Don’t waste your trials!” That resounds to this day. As Lazarus’ sickness would be for the glory of God, I choose to allow what the devil meant for harm to be an opportunity for Christ to shine in my life. I thank God that He is allowing us to minister alongside each other through blogging.

  3. Pingback: Thoughts on Divorce | Jeffrey H. King's Blog

  4. My husband was married once before. And no, a new marriage cannot fix what was broken by ending the old one, lol! We’ve been together for 9 years now.

    God’s ideal is that marriage is until death. But take a look around… There is little in this world that resembles the ideal– God’s or otherwise. Christians need to get over themselves when it comes to the divorces of others. They really, truly do.

    I’m glad to see you speaking up on the issue. Too many Christians take the Bible as a rule book, then elevate those rules above and against loving those who are hurting. Which, is exactly what the Pharisees were guilty of doing in the Gospels.

  5. From one who too was broken into more pieces than I can count, your words paint an accurate picture. Thank you for reminding me of God’s incredible mercy and grace, and a fresh perspective on an issue that too many treat with scripture quotes or platitudes. Yours are words of wisom!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s