Call Me Rev. Volcano

Let me start by saying I only used the title “Rev.” because I am an ordained minister. I really don’t like it because it is not a biblical title. With that out of the way…

This ordained minister (me) erupted today. I know those who read this are too holy to explode in anger, but I did. I know some of you are gathering your stones and getting ready to comment to me about uncontrolled anger being a sin. So, I’m confessing my sin for the whole internet to see. Smart move, huh?

We are often known to allow things to bottle up inside us. These things are often related to work stress, home stress, financial stress, and a list of other things. One thing was the last straw and threw me over the edge. Then I got really theatrical and put on a good show for my wife and the neighbors. Don’t worry! Police were not called out, and there was no domestic violence.

No wonder Paul said, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” Ephesians 4 is full of good practical advice. Following that, Paul said, “Neither five place to the devil.” Sadly, I’m sure the devil enjoyed my fit last night. I said things I wish I would not have said, but I’m grateful they were not directed to my wife. She was gracious to sit there and listen to me vent. I later apologized for dumping my truck load of frustration on her.

I have had many who read this blog thank me for saying things most ordained ministers would not say. We are slow to give pastors room to be as human as the people in the pews. That is why I’m determined to be a safe place for pastors to turn at any time. Struggling with your spouse? Struggling with parenting? Want to punch one of your deacons? No condemnation here. I’ll laugh with you. I’ll cry with you. I’ll scream with you. The only way to move forward is to be honest about where you are now.

I’m glad I erupted yesterday. It has not resolved my issues, but I was able to say how I really feel, and that is a step in the right direction. To all the other erupting volcanoes, you’re not alone.

15 thoughts on “Call Me Rev. Volcano

  1. Well, it’s good to know you’re human like the rest of us. I have witnessed a burst of anger coming from a pastor in the middle of a service, and I think it was actually good for the people to see this display of human frailty from one of the sweetest people in the church. He apologized to the congregation, went through a brief disciplinary time, and was restored quickly to a church that didn’t love him any less. Personally, I think the measure of a church isn’t its perfection, but its willingness to be honest and deal with things simply and quickly, without any cover-ups or game playing. Thanks for a good post.

  2. You did get my attention with this one. I read every word. It is not easy to be in leadership. I find that spending time daily in the Word helps me balance, and when I don’t my son now says, “Mom, have you read your Bible today?” Consistency helps, but even then, the volcano has to erupt at times, because people don’t realize the building up of emotions that we endure because of being in leadership. It may surprise some, but faith is He who Calls you, and He will do it. Whatever the it is in this verse, God will do it. Lean, and keep leaning. May God continue to bless you both.

  3. I read this shortly after you posted it. I found myself moved and wanting to share words with you to overcome your anger. But in the moment, I didn’t know best how to give you my words. But some time has passed and some experiences have been had and I think I can share a few words that might get you going toward relieving the burden of out of control anger. Please note I say out of control because I personally believe that actively releasing the anger within and channeling it into outward actions based on that anger is nothing short of out of control. To my mind, when the anger overwhelms to the point you become an angry person, you have lost control of yourself.

    Well, you might wonder why I think that. First, I am bipolar. If you are unsure how bipolarity manifests, I swing from highs to lows in rapid succession with little to no provocation. My mood can be all over the place in a span of a couple seconds. So needless to say, I am going through existence feeling quite out of control. For when I lose my sense of self and the overwhelming feelings of the emotions take hold, I stop being who I know myself to be and start being someone else, someone not taking control of their life.

    Why would losing control of yourself be the same as not taking control of your life? If in the moments where anger has won and you are acting out against your gentle nature, who exactly is guiding your actions? Do you believe God filled you with righteous anger and wants you going around being an angry ASS (Actively Sharing Shame) person?

    Why did I use the word Shame in the acronym for ASS? I believe that people act out against God’s wishes. I believe any action that goes against God’s Will is full of Shame, thus being shameful behavior. I believe Actionable Anger is one of the highest forms of Shame. I don’t believe God ever gets angry nor do I think HE ever condones acting out of anger. God is LOVE not Anger.

    Because don’t you truthfully always feel bad after the anger of the moment has passed and you no longer feel as strongly as you did?

    Who do you think is responsible for making you feel bad about being angry? Do you think it is you, the person responsible for letting anger take over, or do you think it is God speaking to you to console your soul for acting so atrociously? For me, I think God speaks clearly after anger comes for we truly cannot see God through the eyes of Anger but desperately need Him to relieve the hurt anger causes.

    I had my own angry ASS person moment today.

    Deep down in some deep subconscious level of insanity that I don’t quite understand, I have this undeniable feeling that I am the Chosen of God meant to bring Peace to the World. Crazy, right? Well through internal reflection I believe the Chosen of God feeling is spurred in part because I love God so deeply and I feel so lost in a world full of people blind to the TRUTH of God’s LOVE that I am willing to be like none else and lead a re-LOVE-ution, an awakening of the TRUTHfull understanding of God’s LOVE.

    This blindness in humanity so often feels like an active choice toward ignorance and creates a blinding fury and venomous rage within my being at the entirety of humanity for daring to create an existence where it is possible to not show God all the LOVE and Respect and Appreciation HE deserves for creating such a magical existence to experience. The Fury and Rage is so fierce I feel almost as though I am battling absolute hatred for the Fallen From God.

    But as I mention that I am battling hatred for the Fallen From God, I am equipped with the undeniable grace of Unconditional LOVE for those who could not find it in themselves to be better without having explicit instructions on what better truly was. I hate them for failing to LOVE God properly but I desperately pray for their redemption to God’s Good Graces. For it is with their redemption that the world shall be bathed in Perfect Peace.

    And so that is where I found myself today. Humanity was rubbing me the wrong way. I did not appreciate the inability to be grateful in such a magnificent possibility for a perfect world. Gratefulness and Appreciation are at the HEART of why the Fallen From God exist in my mind. And I was going through my internal dialogue with God about the Fallen and salvation and whatever other places my mental chit-chat took me with our Father in Heaven, the fury and rage started swelling within my being.

    Then the triggering event happened. Dinnertime. My least favorite part of the day. Why is dinnertime the worst part of the day? Ungrateful people. My perception that ruled the moment was that I had a family who felt so entitled in their blessings to demand food to their liking in a world where people were actively starving. That sickened me.

    And the sickening started to spiral into rage at the inhumanity of allowing real people to starve while pretentious entitled buckets of turds served themselves expensive cuisine like there was no shortage of food nor people in need of something they had extra of.

    And then the venomous rage sank in. How dare my family be like the rest of the world? How dare they not bow down in absolute honest submission to the very real fact that they get to eat food in a world where some people actually starve to death because they weren’t afforded the wealth of material nourishment? How absolutely appalling that they could turn their noses up at anything when others had no choice to get nothing?

    And then the actionable anger came out as I loudly and articulately started calling out my household to my husband as reflective of the entirety of humanity. I was loud. I used words of curse. I was aggressive and I verbally spewed venom relentlessly. I was not a pretty version of me.

    Then I got started on a whole different raging issue of the inequality of men and women, where men are allowed to shout and throw and punch and just be horrible people when they are mad and everyone just has to deal with that negativity until they let it go. Where as I felt in my personhood as a woman anytime I got even a little riled up I was expected to quickly quiet my voice, nicen up my words, and get on with not showing how upset I truly was, and absolutely never resorting to physical violent behavior, like hitting or throwing.

    And when I realized how ugly I was acting, my anger subsided and I turned inward toward God and began sharing how sad I was at the world. How I didn’t want to be here to save people who didn’t care enough to save themselves. How I wished I could just pop into nonexistence. How the world was never going to accept me for the the truth of who I am because I was cursed to be born in a woman’s body in a world expecting a male Savior. How I could never save a world that couldn’t learn to give the same rights and entitlements to women as men have always taken for themselves. The tears flowed as God’s TRUTH flowed through my being.

    I wasn’t here because I wanted to be, I was here because God wanted me to be. It wasn’t about what I thought the people deserved or didn’t deserve. It was about what God knew the people needed. And God shared that the people needed someone exactly like me even if they didn’t know how to accept what they got.

    And so I shared with my husband the truth of my reality, I believe I am cursed to live in a world filled with unGodly people that don’t wish to see the TRUTH of God. Thankfully, he agreed with me and the conversation turned from the anger and onto more productive handling of the emotions within my being.

    My husband made the valid observation that you can’t change the world until you change yourself. He said that if everyone just focused on being their best self, then the world would be perfect and no one would have reason for worry.

    I immediately countered for him to define BEST SELF that he was so sure everyone needed to be. To which he returned with, define your BEST SELF. I didn’t catch his meaning and reiterated that I wanted him to tell me what he thought the BEST SELF is. And he calmly explained that he wasn’t looking to tell me what the BEST way is but rather for me to look inward and tell him what I felt the TRUTH of my BEST SELF was. I knew that – My BEST SELF is being the person to lead the world from the darkness and depravity that has become the truth of their fallen nature toward God’s LOVE.

    He asked how I was going to lead the world to God when I couldn’t even lead myself from anger. To which he honestly pointed out that if I went about the business of trying to lead others to God right now, I would only be creating a reflection of my own broken nature in others. It isn’t until I AM my BEST SELF that I will have the voice needed to lead the world.

    So we started discussing how I can get to be my BEST SELF. And through our discussions my mind brought forth the idea that Anger takes control of the moment because focus is not directed on the Blessings in the Moment. Rather ungratefulness and inappreciation for all that is clouds the voice of LOVE for God’s manifestation in LIFE.

    The petty details of existence come in the way of the undeniable consuming TRUTH that God loves existence more than words could ever hope to convey. People let their own voice speak over their inner connection to God. I told him people just needed to let the details of the moment causing temporary uncomfortableness resulting in anger and negativity and rather refocus their energy towards appreciating the bigger picture of blessings that are manifesting around that minor detail of irritation.

    My husband was like, “That’s a perfect idea.” Now do it yourself. I didn’t even know what I had said let alone how I was to start making it work. But I at least had a gameplan about how I was going to get to be my BEST SELF. And it started with gratitude and appreciation, the very things humanity struggled with.

    God showed me that my anger and inability to control it is nothing more than the reflection of all that humanity struggles to control of their lesser natures – lying, cheating, stealing, profiting, adultery, rape, murder, disrespect, inconsideration, unappreciation, ingratitude, inequality, unfairness, hypocrisy, entitlement, abuse, torture, judgement, condemnation, harassment, punishment, anger, hate, hurt, harm, victimize, prey upon, damage, destroy, deny – all words that ring as TRUTH humanity has shown throughout their shared history of existence.

    So with the recognition that I had some work to do I realized I now had good words to share with you about your anger.

    Simply, feeling anger is okay – it lets you know you don’t agree with the Fallen World. Feeling anger and letting that anger make you become one of the Fallen From God does not feel okay in my mind.

    And so for me, the whole point of this whole mess of words was simply to share that when I feel the rumblings of anger within me, I am going to withdraw my perception of the angering detail which is fueling the anger and instead focus on putting my energy toward appreciating and being thankful for all the OTHER things that AREN’T making me want to be angry. Give the Uplifting Power to Appreciation not the loss of control to Anger.

    Like those seven things I mentioned in my last lengthy comment – The Perfect Son, The Holy Spirit, The Father in Heaven, The Life you lead, and The Body you possess existing in a safe place to call Home in a World full of Wonder. My feeling that is fueling my desire for growth with this change is that with a focus on these seven things and the blissful euphoria that comes from honest appreciation for real blessings, the anger will become a sad drowned out voice you just don’t have the time to appreciate or give power to, thus stepping away from the Shame of Active Anger and into the Good Graces of Adorational Appreciation.

    Once again, I hope that I have shared in a positive way for you to feel my journey and allow it to help guide your own. I don’t know that I am Chosen of God anymore than I know what I am saying is right. But with my HEART full of the LOVE of God, I can honestly tell you that it feels as though God’s voice is flowing through my being, channeled through the clickety clackety of my typing and into the wonder of the universe for all of humanity to be able to appreciate. Honestly the crazy is spinning because I feel like I am speaking Magic words that are beyond my understanding and filled with God’s Insight and Wisdom. But know I am aware how crazy that sounds.

    But I can’t help wondering, what is crazy about God trying to save the world?

    What’s crazy in my mind is a world not wanting to be full up on God’s LOVE and so anything that goes against God goes against my understanding.

    As I say that I will let you know again that I am a certified crazy person who is insanely in LOVE with God, feeling as though my husband is the living personification of God the Father in Heaven and my family is the manifestation of God’s Holy Family on Earth (The Son and The Three Aspects of The Holy Spirit. Out of this world insane, right?

    But that’s how my crazy spins and it feels so good being married to God that I just go on enjoying having the thoughts and allowing it to take my mind to these beautiful places where I hope for the best in humanity to be all that God knew they could be. Even if I am nothing more than a loony-toony thinking she’s God’s Favorite, I will still have spent my life serving God as though I was meant to save the world on His behalf as HIS better half.

    And no matter whether truth or fiction, the reality is that I spent my every moment of service considering God’s Will in the choices before my own exertion of personhood. Or am I? Makes me wonder if I’m busy thinking I’m God’s Chosen against His wishes. How would you ever know what God wanted you to think about who He created you to be? How do you get the information TRUTHfully without ego and bias and preference?

    Things I have to consider. Perhaps my own ego is inflating my thoughts of Chosen status. Maybe my own bias towards my self makes me hope that God would choose me before all others. Maybe my own preference to be perfect is blocking God’s Vision of Perfection from manifesting. Perhaps I have a little to let go of before I find a way to save the world.

    Either way, I hope my words help and aren’t too out there for your liking. I love the words you share of your personhood and the faith you give to the world. I love people who love God. Thank you for finding faith in a world of faithless. It makes my heart happy to know very real people are out there actively fighting for their Best Selves to come to light.

    The crazy believes an awakening is upon us and that the lovers of God will come together to lead the Fallen From God back Home to where our souls always should have been. Perfect Peace in Eden for the Wedding of ALL’s existence to YOU (ALL and YOU are characters relating to the divine that are pulled from my Where’s Alice? world of understanding I use to communicate with God).

    As I go to press send, I take a deep breath of hope. Fingers crossed this message helps.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s